Why I read this article? Feel free to check out my site. I needed to read that.
For myself and my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and just recently moved in together. I just really appreciate the post! Really discuss it and live it out. Thanks again! Let me know how it goes and if you want to delve into any one of these tips further.
Best of luck to you and remember to focus on the outcome you want and whether your actions are aligned with that outcome. My husband of 23 years and I truly love each other, and we both want to save our marriage and stay together. He has an overly-friendly, boisterous personality that often crosses the line to boorish. He can be very annoying and off-putting. He once ruined one of my most valuable professional connections — I was forming a beneficial relationship with an extremely powerful and influential person — by behaving oafishly at a holiday party.
This trait infuriates me. I need either to stop my abusive behavior or leave the marriage and let him live happily. Primobabe, thank you for sharing your situation. Always respect the other person no matter who they are and esp. Second, think of the positive intention for your husband to act the way he does. What does he get out of acting boisterous?
Once you find the positive intention, then you can see if he might be open to another way of acting that fulfills that positive intention. Finally, I recommend having a crucial conversation with your husband where you give him the benefit of the doubt and get curious about how he sees the situation. I have been asking for explanations for 42 years. Harmful, humiliating, abandoning,embarrassing, dismissive, even cruel things, too much to list.
I have asked over the many years to get help, he has always refused. Too late now. I have been asking why, as you suggest, for 42 years. I have a bad cancer diagnosis now, I just wish he would explain before I go. Why is all I have ever asked for. What did I do wrong? SomewhereinBrooklyn, thank you for sharing your situation. One thing to keep in mind that might help is that you may want to focus on what you can do to be happy despite what your husband does or says.
His actions and words are merely stimulus and your interpretation of that stimulus is what makes the pain. If you can find a way to look at and change how you interpret his actions, it may lead to less frustration for you. I would recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg for some good tips on having these types of conversations with your husband. Thank you for your advice. I have tried that, will try some more. Some things are just hard not to react to…..
It hurts more than ever. When I do try calm talk, he gets defensive and angry. A man who never exhibits anger towards anyone else. I will find the book. We are still together, so we must me doing something right or I am a masochist! He saves the mean stuff for me. Sorry for going on, thanks again. Sometimes the words you say matter as much as how you say it. She stated she had to, to avoid hitting him. There are too many to list. Am I not human? Why is this my job? Do you give similar advice to men if their wives emotionally abuse them?
I am guessing, no. Would you tell a physically abused woman the same? I am so sorry I ever saw this blog. It appears to be a venue for men to sell books, products and gifts. I should have known better. Life is too short. The advice I shared with you is advice I would share with anyone based on what I know about the situation. You have every right to think what you want to think and to do as you please just like I have the right to share my views.
Dear Mr. Chen, I re-read and re-read your message to me. I am very appreciative for your reply. I read excerpts from the book you suggested on Amazon, I am not sure it will be of value. I feel very lonely, even though I am never alone. I may not have the luxury of time to figure him out now, observe his behaviors. I have tried to calmly observe and tell him that something he just said hurt me, and made me feel lonely and rejected. His only response is anger.
His responses, inevitably, make me angry. He even admits that some of the things he says are heartless, just plain wrong, and cannot explain the motivation behind them…. I am not sure this book is what I need right now, Mr. It is not recent, it has been this way from the beginning. I am unclear why it is my responsibility to figure him out. As I told you initially, I asked to go to counseling for many years. He adamantly refused. One thing you are spot on about….. Just an explanation, whatever it is.
Even if he really hates me, it would be better than this. I hope I learn the answer. My faith keeps me going.
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Thank you again. To lead a best married life understanding each other,giving space and time , and most importantly trusting is important.
Greeting with smile and asking his well being makes both of us happy. Good info. Lucky me I discovered your site by accident stumbleupon. Ashley, thank you for sharing your comment. What would you like your relationship to be like? Healthy is hard to define as it may be different for each individual. For me specifically, I believe that spouses should build each other up and support each other. One belief I hold to be true that might help is that no one can lower your self-esteem but you. You husband may say words that undermine you but you allow his words to affect you.
If the same words came from a crazy person off the street, you would disregard it. Know that you are the one that controls how words are interpreted for you. I have taken your tips and written them out on paper. I now have them on my mirror in the bedroom, so that I am reminded of how to approach everyone in my daily life. My spouse and I had a difficult evening, where we began down the same road of misunderstanding and anger. But, I digress. I put your tips up on my mirror, because they made me think. Therefore, on reading your entry, I was able to reframe his behavior more positively.
Instead of being angry and starting up another argument which is what I tend to do , I went upstairs after our kids went to sleep and asked him if he needed anything. I was loving, as opposed to angry. I appreciate your words, and I fully plan on putting them into practice. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. He outlines a nice way to speak about what you want in a way that invites compassion.
Hi, and thank you. My husband and I have many deep seated issues, as a couple, and as individuals. But somehow, this hit home with me. I really think it will work. I love the clear, obvious, simpleness of this. That is what usually works best, is simple and obvious. I love this. Thank you! Thank you for sharing. There is nothing we can do to make someone else change. The only thing we can do is change ourselves hoping our different actions will lead to different results.
This is excellent advice. Ive been trying this for a few months and everything has improved. Unfortuntely I am extremely upset and sad. My husband has complaints that are truthful like that I call him out a lot and that Im not gentle with my words. Those are the complaints of my husband for a long time that Ive been working on although he never sees any improvement.
I feel that everything is always up to me. My husband has a very low self esteem and so requesting anything from him is a huge hit to him and leads him to curl up in a ball and then blame me. An example is, I was admiring him the other day in bed before sleeping. After about 5 minutes of admiration I told him many things and the last part was the one thing was the only thing he commented on and started complaining about it. By the way he was half asleep. He is a very sensitive person but this is too much.
Its like, Im married to a child not a husband. He is incapable of being strong when I am weak because he is weak, specially when I am weak. Now, Im speaking about a 24yr old man that was in the Navy and that has a great vision and purpose in life. At the same time I love him so much and want to love him and be with him. This is tough, I need advice. He used to be very bitter and grudgeful but he has changed that.
Trella — thank you for sharing your story. Start by thinking about what you want as your end goal. I can only change my own beliefs and actions. This may be tough for you but find strength to take time to listen to what your husband is saying. Many times people just want to feel heard and felt.
He may be acting the way he does because he thinks this is the best way to keep the relationship. Our little experiment worked wonderfully. This is the best time we have had in our entire marriage. My husband and I took some days away from each other, giving each other space something that we never liked to even think about doing and I started feeling incredibly wonderful.
We talked and we are amazed at how that worked so well. We were able to spend time taking care of ourselves and remembering who we were individually and this is a miracle! I received a burst of creativity and joy in just being who I am and being kind and loving my husband without needing anything in return confident with being myself…. Our main problem had always been that we would try so hard to always be together and never want to be away from each other but this is actually good! In just 2 days of caring for ourselves we have rediscovered our identities as individuals and remembered why we came together in the first place, enjoying our differences.
This is a great testimony. This is true! We need to learn to be happy with ourselves first and work on ourselves in order to have something to offer, to bring to a marriage not expecting the other person to make you happy because that always ends in disappointment. Because of this my husband has never been able to help me when im weak because his anchor or happiness has always been in me and when Ive been weak he has become weak too unable to be strong for me.
And the spirit of offense takes over and blinds people. He always says sorry abd he still loves me. He will cuss me out to say the least. Do you think any of the ideas in the article might be able to help you in your situation? Mr Chen I read your article after searching the Internet after yet, another argument with my wife. We have been married for five years, together for eight, have a 19 month old and another one on the way.
My wife never really dated until we met. It seems she always finds a reason to disagree with what I say. From the smallest reason to the biggest. I say red, she says blue.
2. Happy couples have a "growth mindset" toward their relationship.
I say blue, she will say red. Some stressors in the house obviously include chores and maintanance. I do all the work outside while she only does laundry and pay bills. I have told her my concerns but it always leads to another argument. It sucks. I love her and I tell her all the time. I fell in love with a woman who is loving, selfless, giving and fun….
It almost like she expunged all of it to everyone else and there is none left for me. As far as when we argue, I think she definately crosses the line. She usually starts the swearing at me with f— you and your an a——. After which I walk away.
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Then she responds by texting, yup texting, me nasty hurtful messages. I tell her that is rather her tell me than text me, but, she continues. To the point I just get so frustrated I tell her, than you do it. I can be a jerk sometimes and I admit that to myself and especially to her. To no avail. It never gets solved or tried to be solved. When I told her about my health issues hypertension she yelled at me saying it was my fault.
I hope I can post sometime in the future of my success. I will say this, divorce is not an option. Infidelity is not an option. I believe in marriage and I believe they can be worked on. I believe we can work it out, I just need some sound advice. Consider reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
There is some really great info to help with this situation. Crucial Conversations is another good book. What if I am.
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I cannot force him. However, now. I love him with all my heart, as. I know he does me too, but we both seem miserable under stress. My partner and I met a year ago. We fell in love and moved in together after 2 months… from the get go I had in my mind the man I wanted to spend my life with. I knew exactly what traits I wanted him to have and I never wanted to settle for anything less. Then I met my partner and we started having problems early on because I set my self high expectations from him which I felt angry and let down if he could not deliver.
We ended up splitting up and moving out because I was pulling him one way and he was pulling the other.. I never realised that I actually tried to change him untill now. Acceptance is the one thing I believe I need to focus on to better my relationship. I would love our end goal to live together again and be more accepting of each other and to one day get married and raise a family together. We both love each other and are willing to try anything..
Thank you for your article. Thank you for sharing Sarah. Hopefully changing your approach will change the results you get. Best of luck to you! I went looking for some answers on how to get along with my wife, so I Google it and I clicked on this article. My wife is type A and I am very type b.
I can just live life with out a care in the world, with exception of life limb or eye sight emergencies. What makes it hard for me is how we handle issues that arise in our life. My wife is a wonderful person inside and out. She is very productive in societies and a real go getter. She is a veterinarian, and I labor my life away with work. I respect her stress at work but she never seems to respect mine. But this is never the case, because she feels family time should come before own time, and when professionals work there is never any time for just us together or just us alone away with friends.
We hit many snags in our relationship. Respect comes naturally and so does the ability to understand each other. Thank you for sharing your story Philip. It does take two to make a relationship work. Someone has to take the first step to start and keep the conversation going — why not give it a shot. Thank you for writing this article. I will utilize this great advice. My marriage is what i shall say bittersweet at times.
My husband can be my best friend and my wrost enemy at times. I do believe we have alot of personality and ego clashes. He can be sweet one min and controlling and insecure the next. I know im not perfect i have bi-polar but im in therapy now i have my moments, but i try to keep the peace in the house. I really believe he is going thru something or he may have an anger issue im not quite sure cause he manipulate situations alot when we argue, he makes everything seems like its my fault and constantly claim im heartless and im not, i just know my limits and i dont want to argue and hear all that bs….
When we make up he likes to buy my forgiveness. After i broke it off with this guy. I did finally give my now husband a chance but til this day he still brings up the other guy. On weird ramdom occasions. We even have a son now lol looks like him and he still wants to pry and start up again. So i play both father and mother to her because she needs it.
So I will take your advice alone with prayer and hope this works. Thanks again. I get all that you are saying but it is very hard to do this if both parties are not trying for this equally. I understand i can take accountability for my mistakes and also keep my mind on the main goal of the relationship which in my case is giving my son the best life i can possibly give him which in turn means having a healthy relationship with my significant other. But it makes it near impossible to do when im thinking along the lines of this article and she is still doing the same old same old.
Then it drags me back down to the immature level we were at in the first place. And i know i should not let myself be brought back down but i have an anger issue i guess because no matter how hard i try to have a mature loving kind relationship i always get so mad at the immaturity level of her. Dont get me wrong she is a great great mother to our son but just so so immature within the relationship. Is that judgemental of me for saying that? Or just a keen observation? Whos to say. I feel like if i follow the advice of this article fully then i will not only be perceived as but also feel like an absolute pushover.
She is not mature enough to grasp these kind of concepts so i think in the end its either be insanely unhappy raising a child with someone who is completly incompatible with me or split up and gove my child an equally unhappy childhood of joint custody. Any suggestions on where i would go from here?????? Thank you for sharing Vince — you might be able to glean some ideas from the comments section as others have brought up similar issues. I recommend reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson and having a conversation with your wife on how you feel.
Have these upfront conversations the right way first and then you can decide what you want to do. Thank you for sharing your story Gary. It might be helpful to get clear on what you really want and understand that to get what you want, you need to make sacrifices. If you want to be a good father and husband, behave in a way that fits your definition of a good father and husband.
Stay away from behaviors not consistent with what you want.
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There are a lot of temptations that pull us away from our goals whether personal or professional. Hope this helps Gary. Honestly, if you cheated why would she want to work something out with you? In fact I would never even date someone that cheated in the past. You need more help than Robert can give you. Good luck man! All the best to you. I love this article. She believes that I am overbearing and I watch her every move.
She has been unfaithful before and it scares me that she will be again. We have issues in the time apart area because I am always scared she will cheat. Hi Jessica — thank you for sharing. I have epilepsy her mood change gives me my seizures. Any stress brings my seizures on. We try to work together and make things work. We both goto church which helps a bit but not much. After a failed first marriage, I am intent on making the second work. His primary source of entertainment is work, texting, drinking, eating and travelling with me.
Could be worse, right? I spent many years as a single mom and I can verify that my decision to marry incorporated those years of singlehood read: doing anything and having everything the way I wanted vs. I chose to accept differences. I chose to accept the man that I knew for so long with all the great and there is great and the quirky. As a mom, would I snap? Or would I gently suggest that perhaps the commercial is a good time to revisit that topic? Or would I just tape it and watch it alone later? It almost always leads to just that.
Thanks for your advice! Great article. Will be very happy if more articles r posted in dis regard…. Thanks Sajitha — let me know if you have a specific question or challenge you want me to address. I and my gf always fight whenever we talk because we both have nothing to talk about anything, but when we talk she may get angry or me. I visited this site for different reasons other than the three listed above. But this article is still brimming with advice that can benefit any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Thank you, Robert, for sharing your wisdom with us. I stumbled across this article preparatory to going on vacation with my dysfunctional family.
This has been the source of much strain for my mother, and much strife for everyone involved, including my sister and me. Inevitably, my parents end up screaming at each other in public spaces, and then they sulk or give each other the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. And now, in three days, all six of us are going on a cruise to the Galapagos Islands. Will we actually enjoy ourselves amidst the spectacular scenery and wildlife that is the Galapagos? The suggestions you posed here are beautiful. I suffered a lot due to their behaviors, and am just now learning to set boundaries and repair my low self-esteem.
But at least I was able to bring a measure of peace and happiness to their lives by simply respecting them as human beings, no matter how they behaved towards me. And in the instances when my dad doubted the immense respect I felt for him, I now say that it was his right and his choice to react that way. Your article has helped me to see that, even though my dad is occasionally mean to me, and even though I have the right to protect myself and feel upset in these instances, I can and should accept HIM for who he is, weaknesses and all.
Accepting someone else for their flaws, and loving them in spite of the disagreeable things that they do, is not the same as surrendering oneself to their behavior. I am learning this the hard way. In the advent of my Galapagos trip, I will try to help my family to the extent that I am able as a young female in a patriarchical household.
For the future, I hope to follow your advice if I find myself in a romantic relationship — not just for our own good, but for the good of every single person who has to interact with us. Personal experience has taught me to cultivate moments of harmony, starting with myself and the people I am close to. Anisha — thank you for sharing your story and for providing your analysis.
I have found that I can learn things from a lot of people as long as I do not have an emotional attachment to them. That is from parents to current relationship. Example: last night I had a flat tire, I have never changed a fire in my life. He ask that I back up the car slowly and carefully to put it in a better place to work on, in the garage. He is getting frustrated by this time but he keeps trying. He tells me he wants me to watch, ask questions, and learn. First question, what can I do to help…fair enough but he already told me, wacth, ask questions and learn.
So he ask for me to pull the car forward where there is workspace. I ended up pulling it forward to far by about feet. He did show me how to break the lugs loose it on too tight and all but I hate that it gets to that point. I want to listen and understand him as if he were someone teaching a class like he says … paper on the wall. I seem to get others so easily but for someone I care about it is like a small war. Thank you for sharing Danna. It could be self consciousness because you care what this person thinks, it might be a thought pattern that becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
One thing to try might be to look for instances where you do learn from people you care about so that you have a more balanced view of your situation. It might not be every time but just specific instances. Hope this helps. On the off chance that there is something that your significant other did before that truly annoyed you, yet you have said you have excused him for, quite recently let it go.
On the off chance that you have said you have excused him, quit bringing it up. It might be a simple approach to push his catches in an inconsequential contention, yet know it is negative to any relationship to clutch things that are intended to remain before. But people in arranged marriages have no such illusions.
And so they work. And so it works. But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul. To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here. Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship?
What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? Guess what? It works in relationships, too. Do you want devotion? To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth, click here. Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6, middle-aged adults.
After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married. Relationships are challenging over the long term. So you want someone who has stick-to-itiveness. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. Marriage has plenty of trying situations. It lasts because we can make it last, because we keep putting in the work. Alright, so all these fancy studies have a lot to say. But can they predict who will split up?
And the formula is quite simple…. Just ask a couple about their relationship. Yup, that simple. After assessing fifty-two couples based on their oral history interviews, the psychologists Kim Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz at the University of Washington found that the way spouses described their history predicted whether they would get divorced within the next three years with 94 percent accuracy. So what differs between the stories told by the happy couples and the not-so-happy couples? Again, everyone experiences conflict.
It was awful. In fact, my partner is awful. Every couple is going to go through hard times and go through points where they wonder if they should still be together. Then, the question becomes: how do they talk about it? Some couples find a way to glorify it. To talk about how it brought them together. Nobody is happy on mile 20 of the marathon. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter.
And those are the stories that happy couples tell. To learn the recipe for a happy marriage, click here. Love is a challenge. But life is a greater challenge. But nobody is invulnerable. Bad things happen to all of us. We cannot avoid pain. But he can recover from almost any injury.
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And what helps you cope with the problems of life better than anything? And makes you successful and happy? There is no easy life. Then, the question becomes, how do we cope with it? How we adapt to life, how we cope. Vaillant has found that what determines how well you adapt is who you love and how you love them. Our closest relationships determine how we respond to the toughest times in life. What you find is that people who have close relationships live longer. They make more money. I believe it more than ever. Join over , readers. Get a free weekly update via email here. This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.